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Tonight we had eggs for tea, of the five we cracked, three were double yolkers. Neither of us have ever had one and tonight, like buses, they all came along at once.
Spooky!
Spooky!
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mind of a minx
18 January 2009 @ 03:35 pm
| You Lack Confidence |
 Your lack of confidence affects your friendships, career, and romantic life People know that they can take advantage of you, because you won't stand up to them Start realizing that you're great the way you are, and almost everything in your life will improve |
11 January 2009 @ 08:43 pm
Dinner tonight (and for the next two) was tacos stuffed with chilli con carne and cheese, guacamole, sour cream and refried beans. We ate too much whilst watching the final of the World Darts. Now Mr is on the his computer writing the football report for the papers and I'm on this one trying to sort my MP3 player which is going to be no mean feat. One cat is on lap, one is at the top of the stairs, and the kitteny one is downstairs looking for new places to cause trouble in. I've had a bath and read my very crappy but enjoyable book. Tomorrow I'm up to Edinburgh to meet best friend and nephew and then borrow some stuff from my mam for the dinner party (which I'm still fretting about !)
This is possibly the most dull journal entry ever...
Sundays are nice though :)
This is possibly the most dull journal entry ever...
Sundays are nice though :)
30 December 2008 @ 03:12 pm
Mr V is taking me out for dinner tonight. We are going to viva-mexico.co.uk/live/ . It's where we went on our first date, nearly 12 years ago now. We had only met 20 minutes previously and yet the conversation flowed like a river. I've never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. I knew I wanted to spend more time with him before we had even finished our starters.
We don't get to go out for dinner much now. When we lived in Edinburgh we would go regularly. Down here in the Borders it's exceedingly slim pickings- hotels, pubs and a couple of hideously poor "experimental" restaurants. There's only so much scampi and chips one can consume. We can rarely afford to go out anyway and he works such long hours, with football shenanigans at the weekends etc. For Christmas his folks gave us some money. I'm using my half to put towards a trip clubbing in Manchester. I figured Mr V would want to spend his on beer and jaffa cakes and possibly ear meltingingly obscure indie cd's but he invited me to dine with him. And I accepted :)
So tonight I'm putting on a nice dress, heels, and slap and going out for a meal with my man. I'm really really really looking forward to it!
We don't get to go out for dinner much now. When we lived in Edinburgh we would go regularly. Down here in the Borders it's exceedingly slim pickings- hotels, pubs and a couple of hideously poor "experimental" restaurants. There's only so much scampi and chips one can consume. We can rarely afford to go out anyway and he works such long hours, with football shenanigans at the weekends etc. For Christmas his folks gave us some money. I'm using my half to put towards a trip clubbing in Manchester. I figured Mr V would want to spend his on beer and jaffa cakes and possibly ear meltingingly obscure indie cd's but he invited me to dine with him. And I accepted :)
So tonight I'm putting on a nice dress, heels, and slap and going out for a meal with my man. I'm really really really looking forward to it!
Current Mood: 
excited
excited28 November 2008 @ 02:34 am
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS: HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Umbilical hernia operation
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Paint samples
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
Apparently my snoring is legendary, I'm still sticking with my "like a tiny kitten" defence. Yup to grinding and occasional talking.
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Indie
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
5pm or 5am, I can never remember which.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
A healthy baby.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
My innocence.
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
a material item- my red sparkly shoes
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5ft 3 and a tiny bit
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
sometimes
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
sometimes
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
whoever I last spoke to probably!
13. WHAT ARE YOUR INITIALS?
NLR
14. LIKE MUSIC?
adore it
15. MOST LISTENED TO BAND?
The Smiths
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
neither, I'm horribly over sensitive to caffeine. I think an energy drink would kill me.
17. FAVOURITE PIZZA TOPPING?
lots of mozzarella and parma ham
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
it's 2.40 am so nothing really.
19. ??
over punctuation stirs up feelings of violence
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
I used to eat these really vile crisp snack thing when I was younger called fish and chips and the fishy ones were goldfish shaped.
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
a heart shaped locket
22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
Lots of people.
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No
24. FAVOURITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Reality clothes- Evans
Fantasy clothes- Badgley Mishka
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET?
2 big boys and 1 mental case baby girl
27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
the boys are charcoal moggies- one long haired, one short. the maister is a long haired calico.
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic.
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU:
hand written notes are always lovely, both to give and receive
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
4
31. BLONDS OR BRUNETTES?
Brunettes
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN?
My old man.
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Way too many things, I'm very crabbit.
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE UK?
Yes
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Being too empathic, wearing my heart on my sleeve, looking to others for validation, being my own worst enemy.
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
yes
37. FIRST JOB?
I've never been well enough to do paid work.
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Yes when I was in primary school. For some reason, now unknown to me, my friend Karen and I used to dial 100 and call the operator and say "hoy missus, your fish and chips are ready". We would then literally roll around on the floor laughing. I was a strange child.
40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
Once.
41. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Packing my bag for tomorrow.
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My eyes. And my taste in accessories.
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
Briefly.
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A nice day with those I love.
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
I always wanted 4 but now I will feel blessed if we are able to have 1 healthy one.
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes. My parents had an agreement that if I was a girl my dad would choose my name. He fell in love with Audrey Hepburn in "War and Peace" and her character was called Natasha. It also reflects our families Russian roots.
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Yes.
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Dove colour protect.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It's alright.
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
cold rare roast beef
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
smoking
53. WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF?
Michael Bolton's greatest hits fills me with shame.
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yeah, I'm hard work but I have good points too. I think. Maybe. I'm not really the best person to answer this!
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
In a partner? Attraction, yes. But that doesn't necessarily mean good looks. I have, erm, eclectic taste.
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Not well.
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
In my dreams I have houses all over the world.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TOY AS A CHILD?
a little monkey in an orange stripey cardigan called monkey. He once went missing for a week and I was inconsolable.
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
219
62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
No, I wanted to punch him to death.
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Just a little bit.
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
mash
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Humour, warmth, passion, intelligence
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
bumblebee, vel, velly, v, little one, honey, trouble
67. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE BAND/SINGER?
The Smiths
68. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE TV SHOWS?
SVU, America's Next Top Model, CSI, Mock The Week, River City,
69. pshsss
erm...
70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR?
Baskin Robbins Gold Medal Ribbon
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
Yes
72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
about a year ago, for about 4 minutes.
73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
clubbing in Edinburgh
74. WHAT'S THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR?
100mph ( I was cacking myself)
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
It would be nice but I know they won't
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Crappy telly
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
diet irn bru
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Electrician
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX?
Eyes
80. FAVOURITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG?
Fight The Power- Public Enemy
81. FAVOURITE THING TO HATE?
People
82. FAVOURITE MONTH OF THE YEAR?
March
83. ZODIAC SIGN?
Aries
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOUR?
currently "red night"
86. EYE COLOUR?
hazel
87. SHOE SIZE
sometimes a 5, sometimes 6, sometimes 7. It wouldn't be me if it wasn't difficult!
88. FAVOURITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
it's all ming-a-ding-ding
89. FAVOURITE RESTAURANT?
Viva Mexico holds many happy memories, alternatively anywhere doing beautiful simple fish and seafood.
90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Love it
91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
Project Runway
92. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
there's something about christmas eve.
93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
clarinet very badly.
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
democrat
95. KISSES OR HUGS?
both
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
a packet of frazzles
98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE?
sadly none
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
about to borrow one from my mum.
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE?
like a Jackie Collins novel but with more sex and less shoulder pads.
Umbilical hernia operation
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Paint samples
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
Apparently my snoring is legendary, I'm still sticking with my "like a tiny kitten" defence. Yup to grinding and occasional talking.
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Indie
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
5pm or 5am, I can never remember which.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
A healthy baby.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
My innocence.
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
a material item- my red sparkly shoes
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5ft 3 and a tiny bit
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
sometimes
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
sometimes
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
whoever I last spoke to probably!
13. WHAT ARE YOUR INITIALS?
NLR
14. LIKE MUSIC?
adore it
15. MOST LISTENED TO BAND?
The Smiths
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
neither, I'm horribly over sensitive to caffeine. I think an energy drink would kill me.
17. FAVOURITE PIZZA TOPPING?
lots of mozzarella and parma ham
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
it's 2.40 am so nothing really.
19. ??
over punctuation stirs up feelings of violence
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
I used to eat these really vile crisp snack thing when I was younger called fish and chips and the fishy ones were goldfish shaped.
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
a heart shaped locket
22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
Lots of people.
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No
24. FAVOURITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Reality clothes- Evans
Fantasy clothes- Badgley Mishka
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET?
2 big boys and 1 mental case baby girl
27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
the boys are charcoal moggies- one long haired, one short. the maister is a long haired calico.
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic.
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU:
hand written notes are always lovely, both to give and receive
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
4
31. BLONDS OR BRUNETTES?
Brunettes
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN?
My old man.
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Way too many things, I'm very crabbit.
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE UK?
Yes
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Being too empathic, wearing my heart on my sleeve, looking to others for validation, being my own worst enemy.
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
yes
37. FIRST JOB?
I've never been well enough to do paid work.
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Yes when I was in primary school. For some reason, now unknown to me, my friend Karen and I used to dial 100 and call the operator and say "hoy missus, your fish and chips are ready". We would then literally roll around on the floor laughing. I was a strange child.
40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
Once.
41. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Packing my bag for tomorrow.
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My eyes. And my taste in accessories.
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
Briefly.
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A nice day with those I love.
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
I always wanted 4 but now I will feel blessed if we are able to have 1 healthy one.
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes. My parents had an agreement that if I was a girl my dad would choose my name. He fell in love with Audrey Hepburn in "War and Peace" and her character was called Natasha. It also reflects our families Russian roots.
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Yes.
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Dove colour protect.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It's alright.
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
cold rare roast beef
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
smoking
53. WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF?
Michael Bolton's greatest hits fills me with shame.
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yeah, I'm hard work but I have good points too. I think. Maybe. I'm not really the best person to answer this!
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
In a partner? Attraction, yes. But that doesn't necessarily mean good looks. I have, erm, eclectic taste.
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Not well.
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
In my dreams I have houses all over the world.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TOY AS A CHILD?
a little monkey in an orange stripey cardigan called monkey. He once went missing for a week and I was inconsolable.
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
219
62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
No, I wanted to punch him to death.
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Just a little bit.
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
mash
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Humour, warmth, passion, intelligence
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
bumblebee, vel, velly, v, little one, honey, trouble
67. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE BAND/SINGER?
The Smiths
68. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE TV SHOWS?
SVU, America's Next Top Model, CSI, Mock The Week, River City,
69. pshsss
erm...
70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR?
Baskin Robbins Gold Medal Ribbon
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
Yes
72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
about a year ago, for about 4 minutes.
73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
clubbing in Edinburgh
74. WHAT'S THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR?
100mph ( I was cacking myself)
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
It would be nice but I know they won't
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Crappy telly
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
diet irn bru
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Electrician
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX?
Eyes
80. FAVOURITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG?
Fight The Power- Public Enemy
81. FAVOURITE THING TO HATE?
People
82. FAVOURITE MONTH OF THE YEAR?
March
83. ZODIAC SIGN?
Aries
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOUR?
currently "red night"
86. EYE COLOUR?
hazel
87. SHOE SIZE
sometimes a 5, sometimes 6, sometimes 7. It wouldn't be me if it wasn't difficult!
88. FAVOURITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
it's all ming-a-ding-ding
89. FAVOURITE RESTAURANT?
Viva Mexico holds many happy memories, alternatively anywhere doing beautiful simple fish and seafood.
90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Love it
91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
Project Runway
92. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
there's something about christmas eve.
93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
clarinet very badly.
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
democrat
95. KISSES OR HUGS?
both
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
a packet of frazzles
98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE?
sadly none
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
about to borrow one from my mum.
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE?
like a Jackie Collins novel but with more sex and less shoulder pads.
03 October 2008 @ 08:17 pm
When I went to stay with my friend Heather in Andalusia last year she had a little dog, Tilly. She was just a pup, about 8 months old. I've always adored dogs, always wanted one. When I was a kid I walked half the dogs in my street. After my folks split and I would go and hang round the office at his work I walked peoples dogs there too. It's unlikely I will ever own a dog of my own as Mr V doesn't like them. Besides it's bedlam enough with 3 cats and I don't really want to be known as that mad animal woman. It's bad enough being that mad always crying woman!
So I fell deeply in love with Tilly. She slept in my bed every night, followed me around. I couldn't help but spoil her. I opened a packet of biscuits one night and for every one I had she got three. I couldn't resist her sweet little face or gorgeous brown eyes. She chewed and destroyed my headphones and I forgave her. She bit a big chunk out of the chorizo I bought to bring home. A milisecond of annoyance then she wagged her little tail and I didn't care. I'm hoping to visit Heather again and one of the things I've been most looking forward to was seeing Tills.
Today H and I were catching up on MSN and I asked how Tilly was...
She (and the other dog Rasta) were poisoned by an ex neighbour. He thought they had attacked his turkeys. They hadn't but he killed them none the less.
I'm absolutely gutted. I know she wasn't mine, but I often thought of her. When I was dreadfully homesick whilst over there Tilly kept me company. She had me roaring with laughter with her mad puppy energy. Poor little thing. I hate people some times.
RIP Tillykins xxxxx
So I fell deeply in love with Tilly. She slept in my bed every night, followed me around. I couldn't help but spoil her. I opened a packet of biscuits one night and for every one I had she got three. I couldn't resist her sweet little face or gorgeous brown eyes. She chewed and destroyed my headphones and I forgave her. She bit a big chunk out of the chorizo I bought to bring home. A milisecond of annoyance then she wagged her little tail and I didn't care. I'm hoping to visit Heather again and one of the things I've been most looking forward to was seeing Tills.
Today H and I were catching up on MSN and I asked how Tilly was...
She (and the other dog Rasta) were poisoned by an ex neighbour. He thought they had attacked his turkeys. They hadn't but he killed them none the less.
I'm absolutely gutted. I know she wasn't mine, but I often thought of her. When I was dreadfully homesick whilst over there Tilly kept me company. She had me roaring with laughter with her mad puppy energy. Poor little thing. I hate people some times.
RIP Tillykins xxxxx
Current Mood: 
sad
sad29 September 2008 @ 07:05 pm
My mum is treating me to a haircut tomorrow. It will be my first one in over a year and I'm ridiculously excited. I love being pampered, though am slightly worried I will space out if they give me a head massage.
My hair used to be incredibly thick and healthy but with all my medications (and home dying) it's much thinner now and quite fragile. I want something easy maintenance but fabulous.
I've found some piccies I like but would love my friends opinions on the choices...
I want it long as possible but know it needs a big trim to rejuvenate it. I like the sidey ways fringe. I also want to still be tie it up. And it needs to be long enough to be wrapped round a fist!
My hair used to be incredibly thick and healthy but with all my medications (and home dying) it's much thinner now and quite fragile. I want something easy maintenance but fabulous.
I've found some piccies I like but would love my friends opinions on the choices...
I want it long as possible but know it needs a big trim to rejuvenate it. I like the sidey ways fringe. I also want to still be tie it up. And it needs to be long enough to be wrapped round a fist!
25 September 2008 @ 05:19 pm
Someone anonymously donated money to IC to get me a star. How sweet is that? Neither I, nor Admin, have any idea who it was. It was donated in cash by post. Apparently someone else also asked if they could donate their star to me. I know it's *just* a star, but the fact that someone spent their money to give me one is really lovely.
I feel all squishy and warm inside :)
I feel all squishy and warm inside :)
Current Mood: 
chipper
chipper15 September 2008 @ 01:09 am
Is my taste in women as bad as my taste in men?
Susan Sarandon
KD Lang
Edie Falco
Janine Garofalo
Glenn Close
Jenni Keenan Green
Drew Barrymore
Liv Tyler
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Uma Thurman
Susan Sarandon
KD Lang
Edie Falco
Janine Garofalo
Glenn Close
Jenni Keenan Green
Drew Barrymore
Liv Tyler
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Uma Thurman
14 September 2008 @ 02:30 am
Again I am late coming to this one, note to self- read your friend's journals more! But here in all its immensely disturbing glory is my top ten fuckable blokes.
Matthew McConaughey
Lawrence Dallaglio
William Peterson
Russel Crowe in Romper Stomper
A Donald and Kiefer Sutherland sandwich (though I'm being cheeky and having them as one choice!)
Dean Winters (I could eat him with a fucking spoon he is so gorgeous!)
Chris Meloni
Mr Big (Chris Noth)
David Tennant
And saving the best/most disturbing to last...
Boris Johnson
Matthew McConaughey
Lawrence Dallaglio
William Peterson
Russel Crowe in Romper Stomper
A Donald and Kiefer Sutherland sandwich (though I'm being cheeky and having them as one choice!)
Dean Winters (I could eat him with a fucking spoon he is so gorgeous!)
Chris Meloni
Mr Big (Chris Noth)
David Tennant
And saving the best/most disturbing to last...
Boris Johnson
15 May 2008 @ 04:47 pm
It's Caitlin's third anniversary on Monday. I've been trying not to think about it. Trying to lose myself in avoidance. Then the feelings rush back. Flashes of memories. Holding her cold little body to my hot breast. Counting her 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes.
Rationally I know her death wasn't my fault. I had a medical condition that neither I nor the doctors knew about. I looked after myself, I spent 2 years stabilising my diabetes before we got pregnant. Dr Campbell telling me he wished all his diabetic mothers were as sensible as me. I ate everything I was supposed to and nothing I shouldn't have. I took the high strength folic acid and vitamins. I went to all my scans and check ups. Logically I know.
But logic isn't what keeps me awake at night. Logic isn't what makes my stomach roll over. Logic isn't what tells me I killed her. That it was my body who failed her. Me who killed our perfect baby. Me who denied our parents their first granddaughter. Me who let everybody down.
It hangs over me like a fog. When it hits me I can't see through it and I can't crawl my way out of it.
I've got raging PMT.
I'm on day 2 of giving up smoking.
I mistakenly thought I could trust some people.
The house is a cowp.
I'm skint.
I feel really fucking lonely a lot of the time.
Rationally I know her death wasn't my fault. I had a medical condition that neither I nor the doctors knew about. I looked after myself, I spent 2 years stabilising my diabetes before we got pregnant. Dr Campbell telling me he wished all his diabetic mothers were as sensible as me. I ate everything I was supposed to and nothing I shouldn't have. I took the high strength folic acid and vitamins. I went to all my scans and check ups. Logically I know.
But logic isn't what keeps me awake at night. Logic isn't what makes my stomach roll over. Logic isn't what tells me I killed her. That it was my body who failed her. Me who killed our perfect baby. Me who denied our parents their first granddaughter. Me who let everybody down.
It hangs over me like a fog. When it hits me I can't see through it and I can't crawl my way out of it.
I've got raging PMT.
I'm on day 2 of giving up smoking.
I mistakenly thought I could trust some people.
The house is a cowp.
I'm skint.
I feel really fucking lonely a lot of the time.
03 May 2008 @ 02:48 am
I wonder why. What is the point. Who understands me. Why I am how I am. If I want to be how I am.
Someone said something that really upset me and I'm too much of a wuss to tell her. So I've silently seethed all day.
There's a space inside me, a gap. The one thing that fills it isn't possible. And all the rest is just temporary.
In other news my tulips are finally blooming :)
And we *might*, repeat *might* be getting a kitten. If the right one is born. *Prays*
Someone said something that really upset me and I'm too much of a wuss to tell her. So I've silently seethed all day.
There's a space inside me, a gap. The one thing that fills it isn't possible. And all the rest is just temporary.
In other news my tulips are finally blooming :)
And we *might*, repeat *might* be getting a kitten. If the right one is born. *Prays*
27 March 2008 @ 11:35 pm
I volunteered to do some baking for a charity coffee morning. This was a month ago. I've spent the last two weeks being very unwell and am still not 100% now. My diabetes is all over the place and I'm feeling very weak. I've baked as much as I can. 2 trays of rock buns after my friend begged me to fulfill her craving and 8 trays of fairy cakes. Fairy cakes iced and decorated. I wanted to make more but I'm so tired I am near to tears. If it was just for us I wouldn't care about any mistakes, or the rock buns not having risen perfectly. But I feel like a failure. I wanted to bake 12 trays but I just can't. My back hurts, my carpal tunnel is hurting and I look and feel like shit. The cakes look alright, but I wanted them to look perfect. I hate feeling like this, like a failure, like I'm letting everyone down. I'm tempted to just shove them in the bin.
I've attached pics. They're not how I wanted them to be. My throat hurts and I think I'm gonna be sick again.
I've attached pics. They're not how I wanted them to be. My throat hurts and I think I'm gonna be sick again.
Current Mood: 
worried
worried25 March 2008 @ 06:22 pm
Just discovered a new website. How gorgeous is this picture.
There's another one I love-
The look in her eyes. So evocative.
Rah!
Current Mood: 
horny
horny23 March 2008 @ 03:22 pm
I'm having a break from the delights of IC at the moment but a few people contacted me and said it was worth having a lookie see at the blogs today.
Ah Sunday sanctimony. Is it related to Easter I wonder. The "delights" of a blog branding everyone else as lesser while puffing her chest at her own haven of perfection. She's a 24/7 lifestyle submissive doncha know. No wonder I can't relate to her. According to her I'm not even a real submissive. It must be so nice to fit into such an accomplished utopia. Forget that her lord and master was once on every swinger and dogging site going advertising his services as a "wife filler". Bother yourself not with him having been bi-curious. He's not now. Your simpering submission has cured him of that. Now you can sit together, you on your knees obviously, and look down on the rest of the mere mortals who practice their bdsm so foolishly and inferiorly to your matchless kingdom of immaculateness.
When I first joined IC I saw this person very differently. She was kind and friendly. The more I got to know her, and witness her passive aggression towards me and others the more the halo slipped a little. There is a public and a private persona. The public sweetness, the saviour of all submissives. The private viciousness, the harping and attacking and belittling. But what do I know, I'm a non submissive swimming in the fetid pool of non Doms.
IC at its best then. Pitchforks ready for less than half a story told by someone with her own agenda.
Ah Sunday sanctimony. Is it related to Easter I wonder. The "delights" of a blog branding everyone else as lesser while puffing her chest at her own haven of perfection. She's a 24/7 lifestyle submissive doncha know. No wonder I can't relate to her. According to her I'm not even a real submissive. It must be so nice to fit into such an accomplished utopia. Forget that her lord and master was once on every swinger and dogging site going advertising his services as a "wife filler". Bother yourself not with him having been bi-curious. He's not now. Your simpering submission has cured him of that. Now you can sit together, you on your knees obviously, and look down on the rest of the mere mortals who practice their bdsm so foolishly and inferiorly to your matchless kingdom of immaculateness.
When I first joined IC I saw this person very differently. She was kind and friendly. The more I got to know her, and witness her passive aggression towards me and others the more the halo slipped a little. There is a public and a private persona. The public sweetness, the saviour of all submissives. The private viciousness, the harping and attacking and belittling. But what do I know, I'm a non submissive swimming in the fetid pool of non Doms.
IC at its best then. Pitchforks ready for less than half a story told by someone with her own agenda.
14 March 2008 @ 05:51 pm
after a long and stressful journey I am finally here. She is in the bath and I am relaxing and contemplating my fate. It's so good to see Her. I know they are going to push me hard tonight, no has been removed from my vocabulary. I am their slave.
to be continued...
Current Location: Her kitchen
Current Mood: excited
excited12 March 2008 @ 04:37 pm
1. Where is your mobile phone?
on the desk next to me
2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/hubby?
Mr V. This July will be 11 years together. He'd have got less for murder.
3. Your hair?
hasn't been my natural colour since I was 17. Currently a kinda black cherry colour with some bastard greys at my temples. Long, curlyish, unruly. but healthier than it's been for years.
4. Where is your father?
In denial.
5. Your favourite things to do?
Play. Fuck. Orgasm. Snuggle. Kiss. Laugh. Sleep. Shop.
6. Your dream last night?
That Miss was going to cancel Friday.
7. Your favourite drink?
Water or caffeine free diet coke with ice. Ooh or a really thick chocolate milkshake.
8. Your dream car?
I know bugger all about cars. Always had a fantasy about having a Thunderbird but the fantasy also involves road trips across America, lots of wild sex and drugs and possibly killing some people.
9. The room you’re in?
My wee room (one day will be the nursery). It used to be a 10 year old boys room and has dinosaurs doodled on the wall and random nonsensical (unless you're a 10 year old boy) scrawlings. Tons and tons of books, 2 computers, a lappy, a big fan, too much dust, bags of newspapers containing Mr V's reports, a poster of penguins, a cat blanket, empty crisp packets and random ephemera.
10. Your fears?
Everything.
11. Who did you hang out with last night?
Mr V and the cats. We watched CSI after getting home from a meal out.
12. What aren’t you good at?
Patience. Self preservation. Liking myself.
13. Muffins?
stud or choccie?
14. One of your wish list items?
A gorgeous house in a gorgeous location (filled with animals and children)
15. The last thing you did?
Painted my toenails and burned a CD of music for Friday.
16. What are you wearing?
Blue nightie and leopard print slippers. Domestic goddessry at its finest.
17. Your pets?
2 cats, brothers, Billy and Casper.
18. Your computer?
This one that is my fave. Lappy that mum bought for my birthday but Mr V uses it more than I do. Old knackered one full of viruses that Mr V likes for his report writing.
19. Your life?
Chaotic. Peaks and troughs. Sometimes utterly blissful, sometimes full of despair.
20. Your mood?
Excited. Contemplative.
21. Missing?
Caitlin and Storm. Every second of every day.
22. What are you thinking about right now?
Far too much.
23. Your car?
a number 62 bus.
24. Your work?
charity shop volunteer. Love it. fantastic people working there, great craic, and gets me out the house.
25. Your summer?
I can't remember that far back.
26. Your favourite colour(s)?
Burgandy, purple, pink, black, green.
27. When is the last time you laughed?
Last night. Mr V made me have an asthma attack!
28. Last time you cried?
About 3 hours ago.
29. School?
Was very brainy and academic then had to start missing school to avoid being abused and it all went a bit downhill.
30. Personal mantra?
Tell the people you love how you feel. And never go to sleep on a fight.
on the desk next to me
2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/hubby?
Mr V. This July will be 11 years together. He'd have got less for murder.
3. Your hair?
hasn't been my natural colour since I was 17. Currently a kinda black cherry colour with some bastard greys at my temples. Long, curlyish, unruly. but healthier than it's been for years.
4. Where is your father?
In denial.
5. Your favourite things to do?
Play. Fuck. Orgasm. Snuggle. Kiss. Laugh. Sleep. Shop.
6. Your dream last night?
That Miss was going to cancel Friday.
7. Your favourite drink?
Water or caffeine free diet coke with ice. Ooh or a really thick chocolate milkshake.
8. Your dream car?
I know bugger all about cars. Always had a fantasy about having a Thunderbird but the fantasy also involves road trips across America, lots of wild sex and drugs and possibly killing some people.
9. The room you’re in?
My wee room (one day will be the nursery). It used to be a 10 year old boys room and has dinosaurs doodled on the wall and random nonsensical (unless you're a 10 year old boy) scrawlings. Tons and tons of books, 2 computers, a lappy, a big fan, too much dust, bags of newspapers containing Mr V's reports, a poster of penguins, a cat blanket, empty crisp packets and random ephemera.
10. Your fears?
Everything.
11. Who did you hang out with last night?
Mr V and the cats. We watched CSI after getting home from a meal out.
12. What aren’t you good at?
Patience. Self preservation. Liking myself.
13. Muffins?
stud or choccie?
14. One of your wish list items?
A gorgeous house in a gorgeous location (filled with animals and children)
15. The last thing you did?
Painted my toenails and burned a CD of music for Friday.
16. What are you wearing?
Blue nightie and leopard print slippers. Domestic goddessry at its finest.
17. Your pets?
2 cats, brothers, Billy and Casper.
18. Your computer?
This one that is my fave. Lappy that mum bought for my birthday but Mr V uses it more than I do. Old knackered one full of viruses that Mr V likes for his report writing.
19. Your life?
Chaotic. Peaks and troughs. Sometimes utterly blissful, sometimes full of despair.
20. Your mood?
Excited. Contemplative.
21. Missing?
Caitlin and Storm. Every second of every day.
22. What are you thinking about right now?
Far too much.
23. Your car?
a number 62 bus.
24. Your work?
charity shop volunteer. Love it. fantastic people working there, great craic, and gets me out the house.
25. Your summer?
I can't remember that far back.
26. Your favourite colour(s)?
Burgandy, purple, pink, black, green.
27. When is the last time you laughed?
Last night. Mr V made me have an asthma attack!
28. Last time you cried?
About 3 hours ago.
29. School?
Was very brainy and academic then had to start missing school to avoid being abused and it all went a bit downhill.
30. Personal mantra?
Tell the people you love how you feel. And never go to sleep on a fight.
12 March 2008 @ 01:05 pm
I'm in exile from IC. Self imposed although I doubt that will stop the rumour mills. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people thinking they know me and my life and making judgements about it. I'm tired of the conspiracy theories and passed on stories about me. I'm tired of the people who will disagree with anything I say, just because it's me. I sometimes ponder doing a blog saying it gets dark at night to see how many people will disagree with me. How many will be so vehement in their disagreement that they personally attack me. Others have noticed it, that a discussion can be taking place and a number of people will be taking a similar line to me but it's me who gets attacked. In the last 2 weeks I've been accused of condoning child abuse, had my personal details posted on IC and yet another abundance of posts aimed at me. All based on misinformation (Tanos is not my bitch!) but all certain that they know the truth.
I hold my hands up to making many mistakes on IC. I don't always engage my brain before my fingers. I get too pissed off with things that ultimately dont matter. I was also naive that certain people wouldn't use my honesty or openness against me. Maybe I did post about Caitlin too much when I joined, it had only been 6 months since she died. Hindsights a wonderful thing but the fact is I *did* blog about her. And is that really such a crime? But to some it is. I've seen myself referred to in the chatroom as "that dead baby woman". Now I think that's rather cunty, but then I guess I would. The people involved know my name, I've met one of them a number of times, but it makes them feel superior to refer to me as that, plus that way if Tanos reads the chat logs he can't punish them for breaking AUP.
So much goes on on IC that if you don't know the back story it goes over your head. I wish more went over my head. This isn't about me being paranoid, although yes I know I often am, but I also know for a fact that certain rumours/theories about me abound. There's the one that I have had several people timed out or banned- not true. There's the one that all my exes hate me and regret their involvement with me- not true. There's the one where I broke up a couple's relationship- not true, possibly due to the fact that I had never spoken to either of them! My favourite is the one where it's said that I behaved so badly at someones house that they had to bribe me with pizza to get me to leave- funnily enough also not true. Even the people mentioned as the pizza bribers laughed at that one. Was it like Hansel and Gretel- a little trail of pepperoni leading to the train station?
Friends have said to me why don't I blog and deny all the rumours. My thinking is that if people are stupid enough to believe them then there is little point in me wasting my time trying to convince them otherwise. They are so entwined in their beliefs of me as evil personified that nothing will change their minds.
So, I think a little break from IC will do me good. Besides I have tons to do to be ready for friday :)
I hold my hands up to making many mistakes on IC. I don't always engage my brain before my fingers. I get too pissed off with things that ultimately dont matter. I was also naive that certain people wouldn't use my honesty or openness against me. Maybe I did post about Caitlin too much when I joined, it had only been 6 months since she died. Hindsights a wonderful thing but the fact is I *did* blog about her. And is that really such a crime? But to some it is. I've seen myself referred to in the chatroom as "that dead baby woman". Now I think that's rather cunty, but then I guess I would. The people involved know my name, I've met one of them a number of times, but it makes them feel superior to refer to me as that, plus that way if Tanos reads the chat logs he can't punish them for breaking AUP.
So much goes on on IC that if you don't know the back story it goes over your head. I wish more went over my head. This isn't about me being paranoid, although yes I know I often am, but I also know for a fact that certain rumours/theories about me abound. There's the one that I have had several people timed out or banned- not true. There's the one that all my exes hate me and regret their involvement with me- not true. There's the one where I broke up a couple's relationship- not true, possibly due to the fact that I had never spoken to either of them! My favourite is the one where it's said that I behaved so badly at someones house that they had to bribe me with pizza to get me to leave- funnily enough also not true. Even the people mentioned as the pizza bribers laughed at that one. Was it like Hansel and Gretel- a little trail of pepperoni leading to the train station?
Friends have said to me why don't I blog and deny all the rumours. My thinking is that if people are stupid enough to believe them then there is little point in me wasting my time trying to convince them otherwise. They are so entwined in their beliefs of me as evil personified that nothing will change their minds.
So, I think a little break from IC will do me good. Besides I have tons to do to be ready for friday :)
Current Mood: 
contemplative
contemplative06 January 2008 @ 03:18 am
I'm so fucking angry right now. I hate feeling like this. I don't *do* anger. I can't sleep cos my head is raging.
stupid fucking lying bullshit twats.
stupid fucking lying bullshit twats.
30 October 2007 @ 11:30 pm
My dad phoned and left a message today. For the first time in a long time I cried over him. How many tears I have wasted on that weak man throughout my life. How I have adored him and it has done nothing but hurt me. My own brothers turned against me for loving him and he can't even stand up to his cunt wife to say I am his daughter and he loves me.
All the years of hoping and loving him wasted on a weak repressed bitter spineless man. I thought I was past this all now. The last few years it has just been apathy that I have felt over him, I felt really weak tonight that yet again I cried for him. Cried for everything he has never been and all the naive worship I have shown him. All that kindness unreciprocated. All the at I have sacrificed for him, and he can't even say phone me at home. It's office hours only. Like I'm one of his clients.
I always kept returning because one day, one day I hoped he would be different. But he won't , he isn't capable and its all too fucking late now anyway. Three children, estranged from him, estranged from each other. Floundering in his legacy and he moves on and abrogates all responsibility. Yeah it wasnt you dad, none of it was you. You didnt make my brothers shit in their pants, you didn't beat us over a missing 5pence, you didn't force feed us fucking pilchards that not even you liked. You didn't interrogate me, you didn't break me down, you didn't take me to your bed, you didn't bully us every fucking minute and then just walk away and start again. None of its you, its all us, your selfish ingrate children! And now we are too damaged even to have each other. My rapist brother and I, your clones of bitter repression.
Well done for lighting this fire and leaving it to burn. You sleep so well in your bed at night, wrapped in denial. I'm not apafuckingthetic now. I have wasted my love on you for 33 fucking years and you can't even stand up for me for 5 minutes. One day you will be dead, and my heart will break for all that you never fucking were, but I cannot do more than I have.
I will always love you even though it has done nothing but hurt me. It's good to know the feeling isnt shared due to me being fat and depressed and a disappointment.
All the years of hoping and loving him wasted on a weak repressed bitter spineless man. I thought I was past this all now. The last few years it has just been apathy that I have felt over him, I felt really weak tonight that yet again I cried for him. Cried for everything he has never been and all the naive worship I have shown him. All that kindness unreciprocated. All the at I have sacrificed for him, and he can't even say phone me at home. It's office hours only. Like I'm one of his clients.
I always kept returning because one day, one day I hoped he would be different. But he won't , he isn't capable and its all too fucking late now anyway. Three children, estranged from him, estranged from each other. Floundering in his legacy and he moves on and abrogates all responsibility. Yeah it wasnt you dad, none of it was you. You didnt make my brothers shit in their pants, you didn't beat us over a missing 5pence, you didn't force feed us fucking pilchards that not even you liked. You didn't interrogate me, you didn't break me down, you didn't take me to your bed, you didn't bully us every fucking minute and then just walk away and start again. None of its you, its all us, your selfish ingrate children! And now we are too damaged even to have each other. My rapist brother and I, your clones of bitter repression.
Well done for lighting this fire and leaving it to burn. You sleep so well in your bed at night, wrapped in denial. I'm not apafuckingthetic now. I have wasted my love on you for 33 fucking years and you can't even stand up for me for 5 minutes. One day you will be dead, and my heart will break for all that you never fucking were, but I cannot do more than I have.
I will always love you even though it has done nothing but hurt me. It's good to know the feeling isnt shared due to me being fat and depressed and a disappointment.
Current Mood: sad
sad