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14 September 2008 @ 02:30 am
Again I am late coming to this one, note to self- read your friend's journals more! But here in all its immensely disturbing glory is my top ten fuckable blokes.

Matthew McConaughey

Lawrence Dallaglio

William Peterson

Russel Crowe in Romper Stomper

A Donald and Kiefer Sutherland sandwich (though I'm being cheeky and having them as one choice!)

Dean Winters (I could eat him with a fucking spoon he is so gorgeous!)

Chris Meloni

Mr Big (Chris Noth)

David Tennant

And saving the best/most disturbing to last...

Boris Johnson

15 May 2008 @ 04:47 pm
It's Caitlin's third anniversary on Monday. I've been trying not to think about it. Trying to lose myself in avoidance. Then the feelings rush back. Flashes of memories. Holding her cold little body to my hot breast. Counting her 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes.

Rationally I know her death wasn't my fault. I had a medical condition that neither I nor the doctors knew about. I looked after myself, I spent 2 years stabilising my diabetes before we got pregnant. Dr Campbell telling me he wished all his diabetic mothers were as sensible as me. I ate everything I was supposed to and nothing I shouldn't have. I took the high strength folic acid and vitamins. I went to all my scans and check ups. Logically I know.

But logic isn't what keeps me awake at night. Logic isn't what makes my stomach roll over. Logic isn't what tells me I killed her. That it was my body who failed her. Me who killed our perfect baby. Me who denied our parents their first granddaughter. Me who let everybody down.

It hangs over me like a fog. When it hits me I can't see through it and I can't crawl my way out of it.

I've got raging PMT.

I'm on day 2 of giving up smoking.

I mistakenly thought I could trust some people.

The house is a cowp.

I'm skint.

I feel really fucking lonely a lot of the time.

03 May 2008 @ 02:48 am
I wonder why. What is the point. Who understands me. Why I am how I am. If I want to be how I am.

Someone said something that really upset me and I'm too much of a wuss to tell her. So I've silently seethed all day.

There's a space inside me, a gap. The one thing that fills it isn't possible. And all the rest is just temporary.

In other news my tulips are finally blooming :)

And we *might*, repeat *might* be getting a kitten. If the right one is born. *Prays*
27 March 2008 @ 11:35 pm
I volunteered to do some baking for a charity coffee morning. This was a month ago. I've spent the last two weeks being very unwell and am still not 100% now. My diabetes is all over the place and I'm feeling very weak. I've baked as much as I can. 2 trays of rock buns after my friend begged me to fulfill her craving and 8 trays of fairy cakes. Fairy cakes iced and decorated. I wanted to make more but I'm so tired I am near to tears. If it was just for us I wouldn't care about any mistakes, or the rock buns not having risen perfectly. But I feel like a failure. I wanted to bake 12 trays but I just can't. My back hurts, my carpal tunnel is hurting and I look and feel like shit. The cakes look alright, but I wanted them to look perfect. I hate feeling like this, like a failure, like I'm letting everyone down. I'm tempted to just shove them in the bin.
I've attached pics. They're not how I wanted them to be. My throat hurts and I think I'm gonna be sick again.

Current Mood: worriedworried
25 March 2008 @ 06:22 pm

Just discovered a new website. How gorgeous is this picture.

There's another one I love-

The look in her eyes. So evocative.

Current Mood: hornyhorny
23 March 2008 @ 03:22 pm
I'm having a break from the delights of IC at the moment but a few people contacted me and said it was worth having a lookie see at the blogs today.

Ah Sunday sanctimony. Is it related to Easter I wonder. The "delights" of a blog branding everyone else as lesser while puffing her chest at her own haven of perfection. She's a 24/7 lifestyle submissive doncha know. No wonder I can't relate to her. According to her I'm not even a real submissive. It must be so nice to fit into such an accomplished utopia. Forget that her lord and master was once on every swinger and dogging site going advertising his services as a "wife filler". Bother yourself not with him having been bi-curious. He's not now. Your simpering submission has cured him of that. Now you can sit together, you on your knees obviously, and look down on the rest of the mere mortals who practice their bdsm so foolishly and inferiorly to your matchless kingdom of immaculateness.

When I first joined IC I saw this person very differently. She was kind and friendly. The more I got to know her, and witness her passive aggression towards me and others the more the halo slipped a little. There is a public and a private persona. The public sweetness, the saviour of all submissives. The private viciousness, the harping and attacking and belittling. But what do I know, I'm a non submissive swimming in the fetid pool of non Doms.

IC at its best then. Pitchforks ready for less than half a story told by someone with her own agenda.

14 March 2008 @ 05:51 pm
after a long and stressful journey I am finally here. She is in the bath and I am relaxing and contemplating my fate. It's so good to see Her. I know they are going to push me hard tonight, no has been removed from my vocabulary. I am their slave. to be continued...
Current Location: Her kitchen
Current Mood: excitedexcited
12 March 2008 @ 04:37 pm
1. Where is your mobile phone?
on the desk next to me

2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/hubby?
Mr V. This July will be 11 years together. He'd have got less for murder.

3. Your hair?
hasn't been my natural colour since I was 17. Currently a kinda black cherry colour with some bastard greys at my temples. Long, curlyish, unruly. but healthier than it's been for years.

4. Where is your father?
In denial.

5. Your favourite things to do?
Play. Fuck. Orgasm. Snuggle. Kiss. Laugh. Sleep. Shop.

6. Your dream last night?
That Miss was going to cancel Friday.

7. Your favourite drink?
Water or caffeine free diet coke with ice. Ooh or a really thick chocolate milkshake.

8. Your dream car?
I know bugger all about cars. Always had a fantasy about having a Thunderbird but the fantasy also involves road trips across America, lots of wild sex and drugs and possibly killing some people.

9. The room you’re in?
My wee room (one day will be the nursery). It used to be a 10 year old boys room and has dinosaurs doodled on the wall and random nonsensical (unless you're a 10 year old boy) scrawlings. Tons and tons of books, 2 computers, a lappy, a big fan, too much dust, bags of newspapers containing Mr V's reports, a poster of penguins, a cat blanket, empty crisp packets and random ephemera.

10. Your fears?

11. Who did you hang out with last night?
Mr V and the cats. We watched CSI after getting home from a meal out.

12. What aren’t you good at?
Patience.  Self preservation.  Liking myself.

13. Muffins?
stud or choccie?

14. One of your wish list items?
A gorgeous house in a gorgeous location (filled with animals and children)

15. The last thing you did?
Painted my toenails and burned a CD of music for Friday.

16. What are you wearing?
Blue nightie and leopard print slippers. Domestic goddessry at its finest.

17. Your pets?
2 cats, brothers, Billy and Casper.

18. Your computer?
This one that is my fave. Lappy that mum bought for my birthday but Mr V uses it more than I do. Old knackered one full of viruses that Mr V likes for his report writing.

19. Your life?
Chaotic. Peaks and troughs. Sometimes utterly blissful, sometimes full of despair.

20. Your mood?
Excited. Contemplative.

21. Missing?
Caitlin and Storm. Every second of every day.

22. What are you thinking about right now?
Far too much.

23. Your car?
a number 62 bus.

24. Your work?
charity shop volunteer. Love it. fantastic people working there,  great craic, and gets me out the house.

25. Your summer?
I can't remember that far back.

26. Your favourite colour(s)?
Burgandy, purple, pink, black, green.

27. When is the last time you laughed?
Last night. Mr V made me have an asthma attack!

28. Last time you cried?
About 3 hours ago.

29. School?
Was very brainy and academic then had to start missing school to avoid being abused and it all went a bit downhill.

30. Personal mantra?
Tell the people you love how you feel. And never go to sleep on a fight.
12 March 2008 @ 01:05 pm
I'm in exile from IC. Self imposed although I doubt that will stop the rumour mills. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people thinking they know me and my life and making judgements about it. I'm tired of the conspiracy theories and passed on stories about me. I'm tired of the people who will disagree with anything I say, just because it's me. I sometimes ponder doing a blog saying it gets dark at night to see how many people will disagree with me. How many will be so vehement in their disagreement that they personally attack me. Others have noticed it, that a discussion can be taking place and a number of people will be taking a similar line to me but it's me who gets attacked. In the last 2 weeks I've been accused of condoning child abuse, had my personal details posted on IC and yet another abundance of posts aimed at me. All based on misinformation (Tanos is not my bitch!) but all certain that they know the truth.

I hold my hands up to making many mistakes on IC. I don't always engage my brain before my fingers. I get too pissed off with things that ultimately dont matter. I was also naive that certain people wouldn't use my honesty or openness against me. Maybe I did post about Caitlin too much when I joined, it had only been 6 months since she died. Hindsights a wonderful thing but the fact is I *did* blog about her. And is that really such a crime? But to some it is. I've seen myself referred to in the chatroom as "that dead baby woman". Now I think that's rather cunty, but then I guess I would. The people involved know my name, I've met one of them a number of times, but it makes them feel superior to refer to me as that, plus that way if Tanos reads the chat logs he can't punish them for breaking AUP.

So much goes on on IC that if you don't know the back story it goes over your head. I wish more went over my head. This isn't about me being paranoid, although yes I know I often am, but I also know for a fact that certain rumours/theories about me abound. There's the one that I have had several people timed out or banned- not true. There's the one that all my exes hate me and regret their involvement with me- not true. There's the one where I broke up a couple's relationship- not true, possibly due to the fact that I had never spoken to either of them! My favourite is the one where it's said that I behaved so badly at someones house that they had to bribe me with pizza to get me to leave- funnily enough also not true. Even the people mentioned as the pizza bribers laughed at that one. Was it like Hansel and Gretel- a little trail of pepperoni leading to the train station?

Friends have said to me why don't I blog and deny all the rumours. My thinking is that if people are stupid enough to believe them then there is little point in me wasting my time trying to convince them otherwise. They are so entwined in their beliefs of me as evil personified that nothing will change their minds.

So, I think a little break from IC will do me good. Besides I have tons to do to be ready for friday :)
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
06 January 2008 @ 03:18 am
I'm so fucking angry right now. I hate feeling like this. I don't *do* anger. I can't sleep cos my head is raging.

stupid fucking lying bullshit twats.